How to Be an Ally: Affirmative Support in the Workplace

Coming Out and Confidentiality

When someone chooses to come out to you as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or gender nonconforming (LGBTQ+/TGNC), they are trusting you with information that is important and personal. You must be mindful that they may not have shared this information with others and may not wish to do so at this time.

The status of disclosing this information is often referred to as coming out. Members of the LGBTQ+/TGNC communities often make very careful decisions about when, how, and to whom they want to come out. The process of coming out is not a single occurrence. It is a process that occurs in different phases over time. Decisions about when and how to come out are made based on that person's assessment of their situation and what they deem to be safe and appropriate for them. For this reason, it is not appropriate to make assumptions about whether or not someone is out or to disclose their personal information to others without their consent. As an ally, you must keep the confidence of someone who has entrusted you with this information.

Open, Honest, and Respectful Communication

If someone has come out to you as being a member of the transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) communities, remember that respectful communication and personal boundaries are essential. This is the same as with any other colleague.

Some people find that they do not know how to respond and do not want to say the wrong thing when someone shares that they are a member of the TGNC communities. It is okay to admit that you are not sure what to say or that you need some guidance or information. The following are examples of respectful responses:

• Thank you for sharing that information with me.
• I am not sure what that means. Would you mind explaining it to me or sharing a resource where I can get more information?
• Thank you for telling me. Is there any specific thing I can do to support you?

If you ask for more information, consider the following:

• Be polite in your request.
• Understand that you may have misinformation and may need to learn new information.
• Some people may prefer that you identify your own resources to learn more about the subject.

While these conversations may initially feel uncomfortable, the content should not. All workplace discussions should adhere to a standard of professionalism. If someone shares personal or medical information about their TGNC status that makes you uncomfortable, it is appropriate to set a boundary. You can politely explain that you support them but prefer not to discuss personal details at work. Similarly, it is not appropriate to ask a colleague questions of a medical or personal nature. All employees of New York State have the right to work in an environment free from harassment and discrimination. Members of the TGNC communities have a right to set boundaries and not be put through invasive questioning.

Drea recently came out to Mary as being transgender. She asked Mary to use the pronouns she/her/hers and refer to her as Drea going forward. Mary responded enthusiastically, congratulated Drea, and expressed support. She then smiled, lowered her voice, and asked, "So, are you planning to have any of the surgeries to really complete the process?" Drea likes and trusts Mary, but she is not comfortable discussing the personal details of her transition with anyone at work. She responded by saying, "Thank you for your support, Mary. I'm not comfortable discussing things of such a personal nature at work. In the future, I would appreciate it if you didn't ask questions like that."

In this example, Mary intended to express support to Drea but asked a question that was inappropriate. Drea thanked Mary for being supportive but gave feedback and set a boundary regarding the types of questions she found acceptable.

When asking questions to a person who has come out as TGNC, it is recommended you ask yourself, "Why am I asking this question?" If the answer is: To help me better understand or provide support to my colleague, then it may be an appropriate question. If the answer is: Because I don't know much about this topic and find it very fascinating, then you may want to reconsider whether your question is appropriate for the workplace.

Open-ended questions, such as, "Are there any specific aspects of your transition that you'd like to share with me so that I can provide support?," give the person an opportunity to share details that they are comfortable with.

Brie is a transgender woman who has been living as a woman outside of work for some time. She recently started to dress, speak, and use a name and pronouns that affirm her gender identity at work. So far, most of her colleagues have been very accepting and have shown respect by using her correct name and pronouns when speaking with her. Brie was thrilled that her colleagues were responding so positively and was eager to talk about her transition with some colleagues she considers friends. Over lunch, Brie told her colleague Janice, "It's great to finally be able to wear clothes that I'm comfortable wearing to work. Right now, I am still a bit limited because of my body, but with the hormones, things will start changing. I can't wait to start filling out so I can buy some fun bras and lingerie!"

While Janice and Brie are friends, Janice is not comfortable discussing anatomy or undergarments with her colleagues. She responds by saying, "Brie, I'm so happy you are able to feel comfortable in how you dress at work. I am not comfortable discussing body shapes or lingerie at work. I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about those things with me at work."

Brie did not intend to make Janice uncomfortable. She was excited to talk about her transition and shared a level of personal detail that is not appropriate for the workplace. Accordingly, Janice expressed her support, but she also gave Brie feedback and set a boundary regarding the type of information that she is willing to discuss at work. When someone comes out to you as TGNC at work, it is appropriate to be respectful while maintaining the same professional boundaries you would have with any other colleague.

After someone shares information, you may have questions or want to know more than the person has shared with you. Before asking questions of someone who has come out to you as TGNC, consider the dynamics of your existing relationship with that person. If there is an established relationship, it is generally acceptable to ask questions that will help you provide support as an ally. The following are suggested guidelines for asking questions:

• Ask the person if they are open to you asking for more information and be receptive to them saying no.
• Ask questions with a genuine intent to understand and improve your ability to be an ally.
• Ask the person for resources that can help you learn more information.
• Do not dismiss a person's description of their experience as a TGNC person simply because you do not understand it.
• Do not ask questions about topics that are inappropriate to discuss with any colleague in the workplace.
• Do your best to educate yourself and seek out resources that can provide you with correct information.